Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Mother to be or not to be?

I think God in her infinite wisdom set a variety of obstacles in my way to tell me that I am not yet ready to be the mother of 2 (or 3 if the online psychic is correct in that I will have twins next time).

My depression has been slowly growing I think since my move almost two years ago, and I finally got to the point to get on medication back in November of 2006. After a month on them, the doctor and I re-evaluated. As they really weren't working, we decided to set a date for weaning the boy and changing my meds. Well the boy is weaned (to my sorrow) and the date fast approaches for a change in my meds. I know that I need to give them a full year or so to get myself set to rights, which means my August plans are put on hold until next March.

It also isn't financially in the cards. I am having the hardest time making any of my ends meet. I am not sure how people do it, and as I don't own anything I can't file bankruptcy or get a second mortgage. I haven't saved one dime towards the cost of getting genetic father in a tube, let alone for the cost of the procedure(s).

Finally, there are the issues surrounding my indecision on having another child. I feel in my heart that there is another child out in the universe for me, but I look at my dear son & think I can't do this. I know he is two, but have mercy on me please. My mother would like me to choose a different genetic father to hopefully avoid some of his personality traits (and in the hopes of getting a girl). Then I think of the burden it would be to my mother who is my child care to take care of another child. She has said she could always say no, but I know she wouldn't. And what about the issues of intentionally choosing to raise 2 or more on my own? Can I afford it? Is it best for the children? I go round & round. I don't wonder that it is causing some of my stress and anxiety.

There is no easy answer to any of my issues I know. As a worrier by nature, I am making more out of this than is probably healthy for me or the boy. Wish I could make it all come crystal clear or my worry to become calm. Any ideas on how to make that happen?! sigh.

1 comment:

  1. B, i wish i had answers or comfort to offer. i struggle with some of the same questions myself, though my reasons are different...as is the ease of choosing another father to try for a different personality combo!

    it's a huge decision. all i know is that your love for S. shines through in everything you write, even your frustration. you are a good mother, and would be to two, or three.

    but you are to one, as well. and that is a good number for now. or so i tell myself, too. :)